I’ve been up for a while now, meaning way before sunrise. My body is telling me that it wasn’t such a great idea to leave the warm confines of my bed. Although the sun is rising through my window, it feels like a darkness draping over my emotions.
Does anyone truly know where depression comes from or how it came to be? I do not remember growing up and hearing of anyone with depression or with a lot of things we have today, come to think of it.
My brain has decided to fight itself on the thoughts of the morning. Is it a good thing and should I open the windows? No. Close the curtains and keep them closed so that the neighbors can’t see just how hideous you are. The darkness of the mind sometimes feels like comfort in the physical darkness but is that because it lives there and thrives?
Stepping out into the sunlight for the first time of the day makes my eyes squint with the sharpness of the bright light. A few moments later that pain has dwindled into a low blink that I can shade with my hand. Is that actually a moment where darkness is fighting to force me back into its comfortable arms? Do I give in and go back to its security and warmth.
The sunlight makes promises to me that play music in my heart. But the sunlight also brings others into my path and they can see the real me, can’t they? The warmth on my skin is like a energy unlike any other I have ever imagined. Why can’t it stay with me when I am again faced with the darkness. If the darkness can follow me into the sunlight, it would only make sense that the glowing warmth provided by the sun would do the same thing? Is it not strong enough to fight the darkness, should I be taking this to understand that I cannot win?
Day by day each one is different; sometimes the sun wins and a lot of times the darkness wins. But I find myself waking to start a fight with each new day and find out where it takes me.
There are things that I chose to do and I wonder from which side the decision was pulled from. I’ve gotten to a point where I work from home and it sounded like a wonderful idea at first. Yet, now as I am more and more inside my house, the darkness seems to have more control than ever. A simple trip to the store is more of an unwanted chore while knowing that everyone will be looking at me.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I can actually enjoy myself outside of my home with my family. I have to put myself in a state of mind that I am acting in a new role at first. One of my many tactics of fooling my brain to get outside. Once I get into character and get outside, it slowly then becomes my true self within the activity and not just me playing the role any longer.
It just makes me wonder just how many people are going through the same thing as I am. When we come into contact with each other, are we just two people playing a role? Is that person feeling what I’m feeling and just screaming on the inside to go back home?
Close my curtains and shut my door, I can’t be outside today, just not anymore.