I haven’t fallen and hit my head; I know that what I wish for is not reality. Sometimes I just wish I could fall into my dreams and live that life instead. Growing up we hear “work hard and it will pay off”. Well, I’ve been working hard for a few decades now and I haven’t seen any rewards for it yet. Sometimes I feel like I’m the catapult for someone else’s “pay off”.
Not normally being a jealous person, I find myself depressed at the moment because of not being able to take the direction I so badly need to take. I’ve always lived for someone else and still do to this day. It’s not that what I do is for someone else, which it is, it’s just that I’ve been pushed back several times and had to fight my way back up and now that there is something that I really need to do, I’m being told I can’t do it.
Okay, what is happening is I’m trying to move my family to a safer place. The drugs, drive-byes and break-ins are more than I can handle now. I was raised here, in the same house now as I was at 3 years old. I used to make good money before it all fell apart. My mother passed in 2005 and the cost of services, probate and lawyers for settling everything took the front burner. My credit was in the toilet after all was said and done and I had used my savings to help pay for it all. I took over raising my teenage nephew and worked harder than ever. My credit was finally starting to look normal after a while.
Then 2009 came around and our house was broken into while I was at work and my nephew was in school (thank goodness). The once secure feeling that was there had now been taken from us. Living where we do, the people that did this to us and others, basically got a slap on the wrist and we were never given any restitution. The cost of repairs where they entered and replacing the carpet where the black powder (fingerprints) didn’t come off, set me back a little more than expected. It was just a month later that the economy started to dive and I found myself on the bottom of the survival chain. To be honest, the company I worked for at the time was run by a lush who was arrested for attacking his wife while drunk. I wasn’t part of the “liquid lunch” crowd so I was the first to go. Finding another job in a failing economy was near impossible. It took me six months to find a job that paid half as much (literally). But a job is a job and I would have scrubbed toilets at that point, it didn’t matter as long as I worked.
I few years into the “new” job, I receive a text from my nephew that he thinks he is going to be a daddy. Yes, I was at work and he sent me a text; can you say breakdown? I left work for the day and went to pick him up at the local college. He has a learning disability and that is another story. So needless to say, it was a pin drop silent ride home. After the birth of the baby and a DNA test, it was determined that the baby was indeed his daughter. The birth mother was documented unstable and that’s what I’ll say about that. But it again took my savings and putting her on the front burner for attorney fees, while our first attorney took my money and did nothing. My second attorney, more expensive but was amazing. My credit score dropped to an all time low as we tried to adjust to our new lives. He became a full time stay at home dad and I tried to bring in enough to buy diapers and everything she needed. Now mind you, I wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing if time reversed; she is my world.
Again, I worked hard to try and bring my score up. After a trip to the ICU last year and missing work. My job refused to let me see my follow up doctors unless they were unexcused absences. The company had been sold and the management was trying to lower costs in order to save their jobs, so long time employees and anyone making over what “newbies” were making, were targets. So I didn’t get to see my follow up doctors and I knew I had to find somewhere that would let me take care of myself. I felt lucky to find a work from home job and so far, they seem amazing. But money wise, I am still not making what I was 2009 and before.
My current house is falling apart and the neighborhood has turned truly unsafe; we no longer go outside except to the car and occasionally talk to our neighbor. I need to move us somewhere safe. My family is about 2 hours north of where we are and they are begging for us to move up there.
I actually allowed myself to dream, even going so far as to drive by an address that I fell in love with on the internet. I let myself believe that my hard work has paid off and that someone that works as hard as I’ve been has got to have some good karma by now. No, I should have known better that to let myself think that something would finally be in my favor. I actually applied for a loan and the numbers they had were very different than what I had. They even said that one reporting company was about 100 points different from the others, that doesn’t make sense. I don’t know if it’s just the lending company that I chose and whether or not they are capable or if I just need to stop and wait more. The numbers I get are really better than ever so I just don’t understand.
I’m just tired of always working so hard and then either being told no or being dealt another hard hand that pulls me right back down to where I had just fought to get out of. Depressed just doesn’t cover what I feel and I don’t know what to do about it. I just want to wake up one day and have that day be a good day for me and for things to go my way, even if just a little.