Am I allowed to sick when I’m supposed to be making all the decisions? Should I make big decisions when I have the worry of being ill in the back of my mind the entire time? I have two lives depending on me and I don’t know which direction to go.
I want to move my family because of how unsafe it’s truly become in our neighborhood. We’re literally hostage when we’re here and can’t go out in our yard for fear of a flying bullet. I’m scared to live here and at the same time, I’m afraid to move. If I were younger I might have the feeling of being able to do it safely but maybe with getting older and losing my support system, my mother. I felt like I could do almost anything when she was here and now everything I think of, I second guess myself.
The move would be closer to family and I know my own family would grow and become more independent. We haven’t been able to do much since the baby came along and it’s really stopped our growth. It’s not because she is here, it’s just the timing I guess or maybe I see things differently now.
I look outside my back door and see the exact same yard that I used to play in while growing up. We used to play until way after the sun went down and then we only stopped to watch the stars and catch lightning bugs. The other night, there was a shooting on the other side of the fence of my back yard. Sadly, someone lost their life and I fear everyday that it might be one of us. We hear of other shootings on the news how the bullet passes through the house to reach an innocent person. So even if we’re not in our yard, I still feel like we’re a sitting target.
Funny, I think I might have just answered my question here, did you see it? I’m afraid of moving because of the unknown. Will my health withstand to support the family? Will I lose the new place if I can’t work? Yet, if we stay here and I am taken from this world due to violence or still my health, is the situation different or better? I think it would be harder for my family to keep going here without me but maybe thrive when other family members live closer.
Writing here, I do wish sometimes there was feedback or opinions but this time I think I just had my own little therapy session.
Here’s hoping I can follow through.