What Do I Do?

Last year I took a job working from home for several reasons. The four years prior to that we had been living in a shell, protecting my granddaughter as we went through the courts for custody and then in fear of someone showing up on our door that didn’t need to be there. Being away from home was torture for me when I had to work. The thought of her going to school here just added another form of fear. Who is in the school that knows the mother and what would they be willing to do for her. We are well aware that with the school system, it is very easy to persuade a young child to leave and no one sees what happened.

Working from home, we’ve been able to homeschool her this year and she’s doing great. It’s been a growing time for all of us and sometimes we’re not as great as we should be while other times I think we knock it out of the park. She’s growing at lightning speed and the things she says can sometimes stop a conversation in its tracks. I am so proud and so nervous for her all at the same time.

We know we want to move from here and where we want to go but finding a place we can afford is hard to do with what we can afford. I’m selling the family home and already have the buyer for that, just nowhere for us to go right now. The holidays are a hard time to buy a home from what I’m being told. Also, the holidays don’t help with the credit score either. So we’ll have to give it a couple months I’m thinking for the credit score to look better than it does right now with the holiday spending.

I do think that I’m at the point where I would have no remorseĀ about moving now. Although the thought of sleeping in a different place always makes me nervous. Being closer the family would be nice though. My younger brother never comes over anymore unless it’s to pick up his son when I’ve begged to have him stay the night. So I know I’m not wanted over there and that was at first my worry. He’s got his head twisted up with a gold digger and won’t listen to me so I can only worry about myself and my family with me. I think I’ve really come to terms with it and that’s why I feel the idea of moving is comfortable to me.

I wonder though if there still isn’t anywhere that I can afford right after the holidays, would I be better off renting until one comes up? I’ve rented an apartment before but it was just me that I was worried about. Before I took over raising my nephew I was able to live by myself, not too far because she still needed me but it was still somewhere I could close the doors and talk to myself. This time, I have two other people depending on me and I don’t want to mess it up.

The fear is subsiding now, but I don’t like my job….one thing if not the other, right? I’m being shown that there’s no potential for growth and I haven’t figured out if it’s because they pick who they know and like or if it’s because I’m older. I truly hate what I do in this job but it got me home and I could take care of my granddaughter. When I was hired, they said that the potential to grow and move around the company was great, but I’m not seeing it as great so far.

Do you think I should just stick it out until we get moved and then really start looking? My granddaughter would be able to attend school there so I could take something during the day or at least a different work from home during her school hours. Her dad would have more opportunity to work there also so that would add income to the household. It would be better for us there, I just don’t know what to do. Do we go ahead and move and just rent until we find something? I have to keep the job for the move, that’s a given, but do I let my immediate supervisor know that I’m not happy with how it’s going or do I just shut up? Will expressing my feelings only make it worst?

Oh why can’t I have a magic crystal ball to show me the future if I pick one way or the other. I wish someone could give me advice.

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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.