Do you ever find yourself in a mix of emotions? Wondering what emotion is the right one to feel and you actually find yourself pondering this question? It’s such a weird place to be in mentally because you’re feeling what you feel but then you’re not sure if you’re right to feel it. Sounds like a question for a psychologist or something but knowing how my brain works, it’s normal.

If you’ve read my previous posts then you are aware of our need to move and the search for somewhere that we can afford that is safe and close to family. I’ve been downing myself the entire time, thinking that I haven’t done anything right but when under my nose it comes out that I’ve actually been doing the right things. How can this be? I normally mess up or at least think I do. I try hard but it never seems to get me anywhere, is that my second guessing that is making me think I don’t progress?

My family and I went to see an available home for purchase. It was nice and close to family but there were a few things that were not on my list of what I wanted. But there was another couple waiting for us to finish our tour so that they could go in. Did I feel pressure? Yes, maybe a bit and was I going to settle because of this, yes I think so. The rooms were small like we have now and there were no walk-in closets. No dishwasher as that has been the only thing I’ve asked for. The colors were outdated and when he sent me the paperwork to sign, it said As Is, that put a red flag up for me but I still felt the pressure to move ahead.

My mortgage lender didn’t return my calls that day but right before Christmas, it’s truly expected so I didn’t feel like she was avoiding me at all. She actually ended up calling me on the day before Christmas Eve, which I was amazed at. It was a good thing but I was still terrified. I don’t like anyone to see my “dirty laundry” so someone pulling my credit score just brought me to my knees with vulnerability. I feel like I’ve been working really hard to get it back on track but with the passing of my mother, I had to let bills go in order to hire an attorney for probate. Then years later, when my granddaughter came home, I again had to let everything go to hire an attorney to make sure we are in full custody. My credit took a harsh beating these past years so it’s been my weakness and I don’t show it to anyone. This is why it surprised me when I was able to get a car back in March, which we desperately needed. I’ve kept on top of the payments like they’re burning potatoes on the stove.

My mortgage lender, Liz, she was so understanding and helpful. Even though I qualify for a loan, the score shows that I would get a pretty bad rate. But she looked at the information I gave her (credit Karma.com, no I’m not promoting) and was able to see where there are a couple of things that have gone unpaid, probably from during one of the legal battles as I do not remember them. But she explained how to look into them to make sure they’re real and then said the one thing I least expected. She said that if those are taken care of then I will have an excellent credit rating!! Me, and excellent credit rating! I don’t think I’ve ever had one that I know of but I’ve really been working hard so this could be the part where it pays off.

I did find where the unpaid items are real, I had just forgotten them in all the mess but not sure why they haven’t reached out to me. Either way, I have to now take care of them but she said that once that is done, my credit should actually be excellent. That was a huge wow moment for me! Could I actually see my hard work paying off? No, I’m not done, I don’t have enough expendable money to pay them off so I’m still going to have to work more for it. But at least there is good news instead of bad. I started a gofundme page, I’ve never done that before but my nephew asked me to so that we can see if we can move faster. There was another killing night before last and a road rage that resulted in someone passing also, all within walking distance from our house, so it’s only getting worse. I am truly scared living here sometimes, I say sometimes because once in a while I forget that we’re trapped inside all the time. But I miss not being able to have a garden or even walk outside without the fear of being shot.

I sent the gofundme page to two of my sisters, I’m hoping they’ll share it and maybe we can reach enough to move. I’m nervous though, I’m not one to ask for help and this is the first time asking. Maybe it will be a good thing and I will see the light at the end of the tunnel just like when she told me what I needed to do. Let’s hope.


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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.