Look Back

How does someone take something from thought to reality in what seems like such a short time? I guess it would be just straight determination but also at what cost? When I see people get things done relatively quickly, I often wonder who suffered in their life because of it. I don’t mean in a final sense or anything but what I mean is; did they still keep everything else “normal” that was already in place? If they have a family life, were they still available to be a part of the family or did they take a step back, even emotionally, from the family in order to do this? Were they still able to provide or did they depend on their other half to pick up the slack? How does someone who is technically alone in the responsibility, get something done so quickly?

My goal is to move to a safer environment for my family but it is only me that is responsible. It’s been a dream of mine for a long time but I’ll admit, I was scared of the thought for a while, of the unknown. Now, with it being a definite necessity I am at peace with it and welcome it. Once that happened, it’s been about three months now when seriousness stepped in. Hopefully, it’s looking like it might be another six months before we can plan a move. Is this timeframe normal when someone plans on moving, from start to finish? I feel like I’m letting my family down by not getting it done faster.

Everything does seem to be happening for a reason but we are suffering here and it’s hard to wait. With the violence around our neighborhood and the condition of where we live right now, it’s not a pleasant place to live any longer. I’ve come to terms with the memories and they will go with me, but we no longer have the ability to even walk in our yard for a period of time. It’s still a luxury to walk from the car to the door and I’m cautious even with that.

The winter is harsh this year and the cold seems to know no boundaries here. We’ve always been able to keep most of the weather out but it seems to be making its way in farther than before. It’s in the 50’s in the house right now, I know it’s colder outside and I’m thankful for being this warm, I feel like I have let my family down because we have to go through this. Staying in bed for as long as possible because of the electric blanket. Wearing a jacket or large sweater inside the house and of course long pants and socks. My granddaughter seems to be taking it all in stride but I know she doesn’t understand, she just does what I tell her to do with it.

I’m dreaming of a home where we can come inside during the winter because it’s warm and welcoming. We have plastic up on the windows to keep the cold out so we cannot see outside, only the light even though obstructed. We then close the curtains to keep the heat we have in, although even in summer we close them too because of people outside. I want to be able to open my windows in the summer to air out the house and not worry about who’s going to try and come in. I want my granddaughter to run and play without a worry of being shot or abducted. When did laying in the grass looking at the clouds become such a luxury?

It will be summertime in six months, we will have made it through another winter here and I will be glad for it. I hope that I can look back and say “we did it” while watching my granddaughter play outside with her cousins. It’s my dream, not of amazing wealth, although that would help my dream happen faster, but of safety and security for my family.

Time just seems to stand still when I think of it and wish for it. My feet are freezing right now even though I have my shoes on. I can’t imagine living in a place where I have to look outside to actually see what the weather is like, instead of waking up to it every morning in my room. One step at a time, I know, but it just feels like my steps are slower while trying to get this to happen.

I can’t wait to look back.

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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.