Stepping

Waves of confidence come and go with the object of moving. I have to fix things on my credit report but as I get ready to take on some of it, it looks worse than it did before and I have no idea why? I’ve already taken care of one thing and when I did that, it looked like it had been but now I went back to see where my attention needs to be on the next one, it’s almost like something is on there twice. Maybe if I wait a day, it could have been in transition?

I know the one thing that I got straightened out will take a while to reflect so I have no idea why it would look like this. I’ve always kept an eye on it over the years and never seen it do this before. I’m so confused, is the universe trying to stop me from moving?

Disappointed isn’t the word, frustrated is definitely in there. I think I’m a hard worker and I do everything that I can for my family. I don’t even have new clothes or buy makeup for myself anymore. I can’t remember the last time I had my hair cut or got dressed up to go out. I just seem to work, clean and provide. Anything that I do is for the family. We do have fun times, my granddaughter has to have experienced but we don’t take lavish trips. I would love to take them to another state just to see what it looks like somewhere else, but that’s financially out of the picture. Sometimes we’ll go for drives but that’s normally within a 50-mile radius of where we live.

I’m super tired of feeling defeated all the time like I get one step ahead for someone to come along and push me back 10. I’m tired. When is it my time for something to go right? Do I get jealous? Of course, I think that’s just human nature but I don’t act on it or act out on it I should say. I mean, truly, what 20-year old is going to take that lottery money and do something that actually means something? Why doesn’t someone that needs it ever win? I remember hearing, years ago, about a woman that drove her car to claim her lottery and her car was just like my last one. She described rolling the window down with a pair of pliers and I was so truly happy for her. Then Sheila Ryan I believe is the woman that set up a charity with her winnings, how wonderful and thoughtful, she deserved to be blessed.

I should stop this type of thinking because the lottery isn’t going to save me or my family. I was always taught that hard work will always pay off but I’m really not seeing it right now. Is this one of my low points, probably one of my lowest in a while. My family won’t see it because I tend to keep it to myself, they only know that I am working towards getting us out of here. Sometimes I just wish that someone knew what I was going through and could guarantee that it will get better. Just to know that my feelings are valid and not for nothing. I would say that I’ve wasted tears on this but I just don’t have any left to cry.

A miracle, I can’t say that I pray for them anymore because I can’t say the last one that I’ve seen. Negative is not who I usually am but the feeling that I have right now is just so overwhelmingly negative and heavy, could it be a bit of my depression? That is what it feels like so maybe I need to address it that way. I have to work today but then have two days off, maybe I should plan to take the grandbaby to the park or something, get some sunshine as we’re captive in our house all the time.

I wish I had someone close to me to talk to and be weak with while not being judged. I have a sister that I’m close to but not like this, she would talk to me and everything but when we get together it’s usually the grandbabies playing and a lighter visit so there really is no alone time to talk. I have to be alone with myself on this and it’s eating me alive.

One more day, one more step, I guess it’s better than just not stepping at all.

 

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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already .