When someone is in your life, do you realize just how much attachment you have to objects, songs or movies? Do you realize just how important these things are when they attach themselves to your memories?
I think we only put true importance on them when that person is no longer in our lives. With my mother, first and foremost it’s the Bee Gees music that brings all the feel-good emotions to my heart. I remember cleaning the house with her while she blared Saturday Night Fever on my brothers stereo. I can hear the “sshh sshh” sound as she swept the floor and danced in the living room with the broom. We would laugh and clean the house while enjoying our time together.
In later years when she was diagnosed with Kidney disease (from her diabetes), she and I took a trip back to her hometown in New Hampshire. I had the chance to see where she grew up and even met some cousins that I never knew existed and well, it was a one and done kind of thing as I’ve never heard from them again. I did get to meet other family members, not quite sure how they fit in the picture but they were older, so only about one Christmas card after Mom passed and then nothing more.
Either way, we took a visit to my fathers’ gravesite and my grandfathers while we were there. The lakes and mountains were more beautiful than anything I had ever seen and she explained that this was where the movie On Golden Pond was filmed. She talked about how my uncles’ ice cream shop was frequented by the actors and how much excitement there was when it was done. I remember watching the movie with her and the tears in her eyes for the love of her memories. Even though they didn’t show much of the town, they showed the lakes and the boat ramp that she was very familiar with. It meant a lot to her.
After she passed, I stayed away from the movie for fear of the memories and their pain. I thought it would only bring sadness to me and I just couldn’t deal with more than what I already had. For years now the movie title has been one that I see but go past because I was sure it was one that would make me cry.
We’ve had some stresses lately with my brother-in-law’s health. He met my sister when she was 14 and so he has been in my life since I was very young. He is in all meanings, my brother. So I worry about him and fear for him but pray for him even more. Thinking about what I believe in crying being a stress release, I actually played On Golden Pond thinking it would help me. I sat there with all good intentions of being a babbling, crying idiot by the time it was finished. But as surprised as I was, there were no tears. I felt nostalgia more than anything while I watched it and I enjoyed it. Although the actors were definitely not my family, the surroundings comforted me in a way I hadn’t felt before.
I have a different outlook on this movie now and it’s one of a good feeling and not of fear. I felt my mother a little bit closer to me as I watched the scenic overviews of the lakes and the mountains in the background. I remember walking on the shore when we visited together and then again with my family as we took her home and laid her to rest.
Sometimes I think we fear what we think will hurt us and that turns us away from something that is actually wonderful. Dare I say that I will try more things because I’m not really sure. Maybe if it’s approached on a one at a time basis then I will know what to do and how to face it. I play the Bee Gees all the time in my car (Bee Gees Radio, IHeartRadio) and now my granddaughter sings along to all the songs. These are good feelings and I love that she gets to know a little bit of her great-grandmother also.