When you start taking a new medication, do you ever wonder if you’ll know when it’s working or not? It might just be my mind doing it’s overthinking but that’s what’s on my mind today.

After seeing my doctor the other day because my panic attacks were getting worse, he gave me a new medication. We’ve always been clear that I want no medications that can be addictive so it’s been a delicate balance of what I can take. But this medication is a “mood enhancer”, I’m to take half a pill for the first six days and then on to a full pill once a day. Today is my third day taking the half pill and I feel the same as before. With taking just a half pill at first, I’m thinking it’s one that has to build up in your system before you feel anything?

I don’t know what it would be like anymore to feel happy for a day. Have you ever seen the commercial where people walk around frowning but put a smiley face in front of them? That is actually how it can feel sometimes like you’re being fake to the people around you. You feel one day but you let the complete opposite show on your face! It’s completely what I do sometimes.

I remember being younger and driving in my truck with the windows down and music turned up. Singing to the songs and not truly worrying about anything. Yes, I still had things to worry about but I was able to, for that moment, let them go and relax before having to tune back into life. I think I’ve forgotten how to do that, I don’t know how to put things on hold or pause in order to relax and recharge. My mind is always at a constant 100 mph but with all the negative things that are happening. If my mind would put the positive things in there then I think it would balance out but it’s very stubborn.

Maybe this medicine will be a bridge for me to learn how to relax again. Maybe I can start to see the good things happening around me again. I love my family and they are my guiding light in this world. A hug from my granddaughter makes me feel like I can do anything, at least in her eyes.  The birds that come up to the window sill just to taunt my cats. These are the fun and positive things that should be swirling in my head, not the condition of the house, not when I’ll have another attack and not worrying about when the next gunshot will go off and where we’ll be when it happens. I need to learn how to change my brain. Are you out there Universe? Can you help me change?

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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.