I Want to Succeed!

I’m not sure how I’m feeling this morning, is that weird? Have you ever just felt like you’re feelings are in a sort of limbo? I’m not sad nor happy but neither am I anxious or afraid. This might just be a blah day of sorts.

With all the tensions of trying to move, my anxiety had truly reared its’ head this past month. With a few trips to the doctor, I’m starting to get it under control. I’ve had to stop thinking of moving for a little bit in order to take care of myself but it’s not completely on the back burner. I want it more and more each day but I have to take a little bit and get to feeling better and know that I’m better.

I have an appointment for my cardiologist in a couple of weeks, I was just there the other day and he scheduled me for a test. It’s not a stress test but where they do a sonogram of sorts on your heart and for the life of me I can’t remember the correct name so I dare not say it for fear of putting the wrong name. He said it’s just precaution and that too will help to give my mind something to argue my panic attacks with. As long as insurance pays for it, I’m all in.

I had to let my mammogram appointment go because they were going to charge me. I have two benign tumors that were discovered about 18 years ago I want to say. I do truly forget what year they were found but I remember what I went through. Since then I’m supposed to have them monitored but with the changes in insurance, I haven’t been able to afford what they charge for it. It’s not a normal mammogram, they call it diagnostic so that makes it cost more. I’ll just have to wait and see if I can afford it at another time or if the insurance decides to pay for it.

With all of this health thing being taken care of in order to help me with my attacks, I’ve decided to try and get some walking in. I can’t walk in our neighborhood but I do have an old treadmill in the back room. I put an old tv up on a stand so I can see it and I’m going to try and get some walking in. I haven’t started it up yet but I’m hoping it still works. So far my two cats are excited over the commotion and being allowed in the back room that I use for storage. It’s weird but that room seems to calm me down, that’s weird, right? It used to be used for bedrooms and a dining room when I was growing up. My father had put up a partition wall to make it into two rooms so one was a bedroom for years and when I was old enough (years after he passed), I too used it as a bedroom. I remember at one point using it as my bedroom and the other half as my living room. So now, it just has a calming effect on me and it’s just weird to me that it does that.

I have some more moving around to do before it’s ready but hopefully by tomorrow after work, it will be ready to use. I have high hopes but am nervous about it too. How does someone do these things all by themselves? Do they do it alone so that if they stop then it’s only them that knows? I don’t want to be that person, I want to succeed. Do you hear me Universe? I want to succeed!


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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.