Last Saturday

This is the last Saturday that I’ll be sitting in this room. I didn’t think a year ago that this would actually be happening and then when it did, it took off faster than I thought it would.

I think I’ve cried more than my body takes in water but right now I’ve gotten past it. That’s not to say when I sign away the house that I won’t cry, I know that it’s going to be an ugly cry and for a while until the hurting stops. But this is what I prayed to the universe for and it’s actually happening. Maybe not happening the way that I had planned but it’s at least happening. Here’s what I mean by not going by planned.

During my dreams of change, we would go and look at places that were up for sale and they were very nice, some even nice enough to try for. Those dreams would fall flat when mortgage companies would tell me no or want me to give them more money in order to do it. Sounds crazy, right? Give them more money to loan me money for a house, but it’s true and I never knew it before. I can’t tell you how many places that we looked at or had my sister do a “drive by” to see what it looked like for me. She lives up there and it was easier sometimes to see if it was worth getting the realtor involved.

Getting the right school zone was my main challenge and we managed to stay in it. But with being let down so many times, I guess I had started to let go of my dream. Even though once you let people know that you’re looking, don’t give them your nice email address because you will forever get emails from them and their associates. I’m changing email services so it’s okay right now.

Now that I had given up, I was trying to think of ways to make our situation here a little better, if any. Trying to turn my thinking into how we could find a way to fix the house so that we would enjoy being in it, as we feel imprisoned in it at times.

Something happened, we had gone to visit one of my other sisters, who lives up there also, to see her new granddaughter. During our visit, she jokingly said that my older brother wanted to sell his place and for what price. I didn’t really pay much mind to her as I really thought she was joking.

Fate really steps in and I don’t know what it was but when we got back home, something told me to send him a text. So I did and would you believe it, she was right? A crazy low price that I would be able to afford with selling my house here. So we set up some time to go take a look. Now I know what you’re saying, he’s my brother why do I not know what it looks like? I do, I just hadn’t been out to his house in a long long time. He went through a divorce and became reclusive. When I tried to visit last time, storms had knocked down trees and blocked the road. So, as it’s confusing to find if you don’t know it, I didn’t know the way around so we never saw him that day. We’ve always kept in contact by text or by phone so we’ve not lost talking, just we live so far apart now and that’s just how it worked out.

So, as he also suffers from depression, we went to look and you might say that the depression showed. It needs a lot of work but my brother-in-law said that the structure is really good, it’s mainly cosmetic and cleaning. We struck a deal and from then on the past month, we’ve been making the trip up on Sundays to clean and get it ready for us to move in. There have been no days to sleep in and very few nights to relax as they are filled with cleaning two places and packing two places.

I say two places because I told my brother I would help him as much as I can, even though we’re a long way away, I can at least give the one day a week and we really do a lot of work in that one day. It’s been nice though because we’ve had the chance to really spend the time together and get to know each other again so it’s nice. With seven children total, he was the oldest while I was number five, so the age difference while growing up and then he was 13 when our father passed. He had to grow up really quick and so it was hard for him.

We’ll be moving in while he’s still there, he’s getting an apartment and it’s not ready for him yet. He said the most should be two weeks that he will be there with us. I don’t mind it, although I have to make sure I’m dressed better…no running around without a bra on anymore. LOL I think it will be nice though. He works long hours at a hospital in their IT department so he’ll be leaving for work while I’m getting up for work. Then he’ll get home when I’m getting off of work so I think we’ll have a few hours at night to talk again. I’m looking forward to it because he remembers more than I do about my father. I was only seven when our father passed and you would think that I’d remember more but unfortunately the memories that I do have are more like feelings than they are memories, it’s weird.

We, meaning myself, my son and his daughter, my sister and her husband and grandson, my brother and his daughter all went to breakfast two Sundays ago. We chose breakfast instead of lunch so that we start out while we’re not sweaty. But, it was so nice just to sit down and talk about a bunch of stuff, not family history or anything but just regular talk.  He and I got paid yesterday so we’re doing breakfast again tomorrow.

I was sending him an updated text and asked if he wanted breakfast to just be us or like last time with more people. He texted me back that he wanted everyone because that is what Mom would want, everyone around the table enjoying a meal together. I don’t know how long it’s been since I’ve had such an ugly cry without it being a panic attack but it threw my son into worry and my granddaughter asking why I was sad. I had to let them know that it was a good cry and that everything was okay. I finally explained what happened but still cried when I said it to my son.

This made me do something and I don’t know if I’ll regret it or not. My older brother and my oldest sister have not spoken in a very long time, it might have been my mothers services Christmas time of 2005 that they were even in the same room with each other. My sister has been up to talking to him but while he was with his wife, it just never seemed to be able to happen. When they got divorced, his depression just seemed to consume him but now it’s like watching someone who is reborn. Little by little he’s coming out of his shell and I think he’s liking having family around.

After he texted what he did about Mom and a meal, I got in touch with my oldest sister. She is going to be at my other sisters house on Sunday morning when we go over to pick her up for breakfast. I don’t know how my brother will react but I’m hoping that he’s ready for it. We didn’t think that the restaurant was a good idea to meet because he would feel trapped and not want to make a scene. This way it’s more private for them both and hopefully they can start to mend their relationship.

I’ve come to realize that the only thing that you take with you are the experiences and relationships that you build here. Nothing else matters because you leave it all behind. Enjoy your family, enjoy your friends and experience what this physical world has to offer if you can. I can’t afford to travel but I can experience a makeshift picnic or a day at a theme park or even just growing a garden in the ground. These are the things that “grow” people and that go with us, not the money or the cars.

I truly hope that Sunday goes well, I’m super nervous about it.


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About meinaboxblog

I like to think I'm a normal everyday woman but my mind tells me otherwise. I fight my battles and post them here. I don't tell my family and real life friends that I write here. This is my own little way of having "someone" to talk to. My own little therapy session if you will. I welcome comments and opinions but I have enough negativity to last a lifetime already . My world is changing and now more than ever I need support and encouragement but I'm still too afraid to let anyone know that it's me writing here.