The heat this weekend is breathtaking. When the sun is shining and the heat literally can take your breath away, it’s time to hide inside. The house isn’t as cool as it could be but I’m thankful that it’s cooler than outside. Sometimes I feel like my life itself is too hot to breath. It’s not that the events are exciting but instead that there are so many struggles to get through that I just don’t have time to breath in between them.
I had such a bad day at work Friday, I felt like a huge idiot and it’s hard to keep going into somewhere just knowing that you’re going to feel stupid at some point during that day. With no official training, learning what they do is like pulling teeth and they put you in the position of feeling stupid before you learn something. Anyways, I had to walk out of the office in order to calm down. If I didn’t need a job so badly, I would have left completely. After I semi-calmed down, I went back inside the building but thought I would try to calm down more after work. I told my son that we would splurge for a movie at the drive-in, yes, they have a drive-in up here!
I didn’t care for the first movie so I was waiting for the second one. Half-way through the first movie, the dash started blinking and flashing an error message. I got it to stop but we had to wait for the intermission for me to get it going again. Well, it wouldn’t start at all during intermission so we ended up getting a jump and heading home. My nerves were through the roof at this point because I had no idea if it would die on us while trying to get home. Living in the woods can be nice but not when you think you might get stuck with a child in the dark and no cell service.
That night, I robbed Peter to pay Paul and got a battery online that we just had to get there and they would install. I couldn’t sleep and my nerves were still going in the morning. Thank goodness that the car started in the morning. We went and got the new battery but it didn’t calm me down. That night I went into the bathroom to find a scorpion on the wall! My nerves have been up since then and it’s been a few days. With being the only paycheck coming in, I’m barely getting by and that’s with juggling from one week to the next and now with this amount taken out, I just don’t know what’s going to happen.
Don’t get me wrong, I am so glad that I found a job but I just wish it paid enough to pay the bills. I’m looking for either a replacement job that pays more or a part-time job to go with this one. There’s just not enough hours in the day nor money in the bank so it’s like being pulled tight at both ends. You ever see people playing tug-o-war and there is a handkerchief in the middle of the rope being pulled from one side to the other during the game? I feel like that handkerchief, being pulled and pulled from both sides. I’m just afraid that I’m going to fall into the mud below at some point.
There just has to be a bottom to all of this? Do you know what I mean? When I see someone spiraling out of control (usually of their own decisions) I think to myself that once they hit bottom, they will be able to really turn themselves around. Well, I feel like I’m going in the down direction so why wouldn’t I also have a bottom and be able to get my footing? Am I exempt from having the opportunity or what? Why was I picked to have to go through all of this? Just once having an uplifting opportunity come my way would be nice.
I am thankful for many things in my life and wouldn’t change how that has come about. But being able to pay the bills on time, being able to get a haircut or even buy a new bra! Yes, I know a little personal but so true. I’m going to have to figure out how to get school clothes for my granddaughter and I just don’t know how I’m going to do it.
My mind is so mentally tired right now that I think it could take away from my ability to plan a solution. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone stepping in and helping. Just once I wouldn’t mind someone taking over and telling me that everything is going to be alright. Just once I would accept the help…..just once.